I sat in church yesterday and realized that it was my last “Fast and Testimony” Meeting as a Young Single Adult, and it sent me into all kinds of negative emotions.
“Age Out”
From the time I was 16 John LaCognata told me I would be swept way and married as soon as I was out of high school, checking my finger socked he did not find a diamond. This was a common thyme growing up, people/friends telling me I would one of the firsts to get married.
Who would have thought I would be turning 31 and still be . . . . . Whatever it is that I am.
I have made the joke for years that if I would never “Age out” of a ward, I would just leave the church.
And maybe this is God’s way of pulling a little joke on me.
Well the joke is on him because I’m still here!!! And still somewhat committed to this church!!
I can feel myself getting crazy, a TWENTY FOUR-year-old gal got up and talked about how she is now engaged and how we need to embrace being single and make the most of our lives, how it is "such an exciting time" as a princess-cut diamond ring with white gold and halo diamonds sparkled on her finger for people in the back row to see. I was boiling mad, I just wanted to yell out the F-word.
That's it, nothing more, just a obscene curse word shouted from the middle of the meeting room, as a protest to how dumb she was.
It just is a really unsettling place to be, I have gone to two different 31+ Wards (Mid- singles? Older singles? Rejects???) and they are the absolute worst thing. Like, very terrible, I feel like I can’t breath when I am there, and it takes everything in me not to yell at someone, that’s all I want to do while I am there yell at everyone to either "leave me alone" or "get a life" (Two very mature things to yell). And if you think the pressure to get married in a YSA ward is bad, you know nothing. Nothing.
There is a family ward I could go to, yet, a family ward??? Really?
Apparently the family ward I would be a part of is mental, it is the same family ward that Elder Holland attends, and there are stories of people getting up to bear testimony of how they love him, even presenting him gifts spontaneously on stage. The entire thing makes me sick. Would I just go and sit by my lonesome and smile in the background?
I feel overwhelmed. I feel like this past year or two I have been turned around with my views on the church, tested out somethings, questioned even more things. Struggling to know what to do next.
And while I don’t and never will understand the need for hideous underwear (among other things) I still have this deep rooted respect and love for the church. That I can’t shake. I can’t leave, God knows it, and I know it. But I feel like I may explode, and my spontaneous combustion may come out in the form of yelling at some misfortunate geeky 38 year-old man, who may be trying to flirt with me and won’t know what he is in for.
And while a small part of this is about dating options, the majority isn't that at all- I love the idea of a Ward family, I love being a part of a community of crazy religious people who are trying to teach and grow together, but I feel like there is no place for me any more. I have been in a YSA ward, and rocked at it for 12 years. That is kinda weird to think about.
So when it comes to Sundays I hate my life right now. I was thinking of just traveling come Sundays, just be out of town conveniently. Or maybe just "groove lightly" as Ben Rock would say, grab a glass of wine and watch the sunset.
On a positive note- if I wallow in self pity too long I start to think about my life and how I have done this to myself -Maybe I should have married him, or maybe I shouldn’t have done that. . . And then I see my life, and start to account everything I have done. . . I have rocked it. I have seen more things in my short years that people see in a life time, I feel like I have been exposed to so much love, traveled and danced, I’ve found true love and true heart break, I’ve eaten crazy things and swam in crazy things, I’ve seen the night stars and know that the sky does change with different places you go, and the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with people that are made of magic, more roommates then I can count, more jobs then I can count, danced in more clubs then I can count. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I don’t know how I would do anything differently. The the only thing I really have missed out on is 8 hours of sleep each night, and you never remember nights you get plenty of sleep.
So while this blog post may seem a little bi-poller just know that that is currently how my all my internal organs feel, I feel calm and happy and want to dance, then they get all tight and crazy and I kinda want to cry or smash a bucket full of apples.
Growing up is the worst.
5 comments:
I have felt all those emotions before. Growing up totally sucks and is awesome at the same time.
AMEN!!
I have totally thought a lot of the same things.
This past year "aging out/graduating" from the YSA program was probably one of the hardest things I've ever been through in my entire life. And I was given some extra time believe it or not.
But I look back on being a YSA and I am so glad that I have been through the experiences I've been through, they have been the most challenging things I have been through.
The idea of the mid-singles ward to me was just another place to "wait and get hit on by way older guys" who have no idea that you have no experience whatsoever in the dating field. Plus the closest one is over an hour away to get to so it makes it hard to go, and it's so late in the day, that I spend a lot of Sunday in the Car.
I have been fortunate to go back to a somewhat crazy but good ward. But I have had challenges almost a year later I still don't have Visiting Teachers, I still don't have a ward calling, and there aren't other mid single ysa in the ward to have similar experiences with. I'm just left to the abyss of singleness.
I'm slowly getting through, but it took a long time for me not to feel miserable 80 percent of the time.
As hard as it is to say, I'm so grateful that I am having these experiences, and I'm so glad that I'm not alone, Neither are YOU!! There have been wonderful friends who have stepped up to the plate to help. I'm finally feeling ready for things I never felt ready for before (even though it includes hideous underwear, which I don't think it's that bad, but I don't know yet.)
Anyway, those are my few cents. Feel free to email me and we can commiserate about our experiences.
Lots of Love from this Canadian Chick!!
Yeah I think aging out would be so freaking hard, getting old is like 10x worse in the church. But you are rocking it and I feel so bad for the 38yr old geek who is brave enough to talk to you, but I also really want to watch that conversation go down.
And sorry about my father, he's even crazier with his predictions with me, its way fun.
Your comments are all so wonderful.
Jen, I'm glad to know you are out there in Canada feeling the same way. It does bring a ring of comfort to my heart.
Hayley- I'll try and film the convo. I'd like to see that too!
You are so honest, it's refreshing. I love that you can feel two totally different emotions at the same time. I think you are a rockstar. Keep on doing what you're doing. The "older singles wards" need more cool rockstar type people like you. I wish I could have been one of your roommates in your 12 years of YSA wards :)
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