Lone Wolf

The weather hasn't been helpful to the stress I have felt recently in making decisions in my life. 

Rainy, gloomy

I know when I have been thinking about things a lot because I have been spending a lot of quality alone time with, well, with myself.

I went to little bear river the other day, the air was cold but for some reason the boating dock was so warm from the heat of the sun. So I laid down on the dock and read for a little while, then put my book down and found myself just staring at the blue sky.

Then I thought "no one knows I am here right now, and if I want I could stay here for 4 more hours and no one would care". . . It is just cool that I have no one counting on me, I have no husband to cook dinner for, or kids to get to bed, I have no mother waiting at home needing me to run to the store to pick up milk or even someone who needs me to go to be in class. . If I want to I could lay on a dock and watch the waves from the water all day and not tell anyone I'm doing it.

A Lone Wolf. 

And I find it difficult to find what I want, what is best for me, because, for the most part, the choices I make will only effect me. If I want to date a jerk who treats me like crap, I can! no one can stop me! If I want to skip church and drive to Idaho, I can. Shoot! If I want to load up all my stuff in my car and go have a big bonfire and burn all my material things, I could do it.

And every choice has a consequence, good or bad. . . If I choose to date a jerk, the rest of my life will be misery. If i choose to burn all my stuff, I run naked. . . And I just am grateful when I am faced with choices that I have my standards and morals and religion to lean on. . Because I almost never know what that ripple effect will be. But I have found through trial and error that if you make the "right" choice, follow the counsel of the spirit, good church leaders, the consequence will always turn out in your favor. Even when you have no idea, how or why.

I'm glad I have that rock in my life, and I think about my life, my little life in Logan, and I'm glad that I made choices to get me right here, right now. . I could have done things different, or better, but I'm happy with me, I'm happy with my life and thats a lot more then a lot of people can say.

I don't know what I'm saying, I just hope things continue to look up for me, I hope the choices I make are in line with the way deity wants me to be/become. I hope one day I find another person who likes what I have done with my life too, and will be happy joining their life with mine. And then I will have a reason to leave the dock and go home to make dinner. Or if I'm real lucky, I'll find someone who will just join me at the dock, and we will be lone wolfs, together.